But He Said He Loved Me

My name is Anna Astwood. I am a former high school counselor, co-founder of the nonprofit Love Doesn’t Hurt, and a survivor of teenage dating violence.

For two and a half years during high school, I experienced severe physical and emotional abuse in a relationship. At the time, I told no one. I kept the abuse hidden throughout those years and even for several years after the relationship ended. There were many reasons for my silence — fear, confusion, shame, and not fully understanding what was happening to me.

After graduating from college, I began to feel a strong pull to finally confront the trauma I had carried for so long. I wasn’t ready to speak about it out loud, but writing felt safer. During the summer between undergraduate and graduate school, I sat down and wrote my story for the first time. What started as a way to help myself slowly became something bigger: a hope that maybe my story could help someone else feel less alone.

Then the manuscript sat on my bookshelf — literally — for 22 years.

At the time I first wrote it, I thought I had healed enough to tell my story. But healing is not linear, and the next two decades brought many difficult seasons. Over the last ten years especially, I began doing the deeper work of truly addressing my trauma through counseling, body work, self-reflection, and many tears. I needed time to understand not only what happened to me, but also how it impacted me emotionally, psychologically, and physically. I needed to understand why I stayed.

Those answers were painful to uncover, but they also brought clarity and relief.

In early 2025, I felt something shift. I knew I wanted to revisit the book and rewrite it with the perspective and understanding I now had. I just didn’t know how to begin.

During a counseling session, I remember telling my counselor, “I just need someone to help walk me through this process.” She smiled and said, “I know someone who does this for a living”

That conversation changed everything.

When I met with him and his wife, I immediately felt a sense of relief. They approached my story with compassion, patience, and understanding. Because of their guidance, I finally felt safe enough to reopen chapters of my life that had been closed for so long.

The rewriting process officially began in August 2025. Having my original manuscript gave us a place to start, but revisiting those memories was incredibly difficult. One of the hardest parts was allowing someone else to read my original writing. It felt deeply personal and vulnerable.

There were many days when I sat at my computer crying as I relived painful memories. My husband would sometimes hear me sobbing from another floor of the house while he was on work calls. The pain I had carried for years poured out through my fingertips as I typed.

After many revisions, difficult conversations, and emotional moments, the book was finally complete in less than a year.

The cover — designed by my publisher — captured the story perfectly: dead flowers. Throughout the abusive relationship, my abuser would often give me bouquets of flowers as a way of apologizing for his behavior. The image became a powerful symbol of the cycle of abuse and the confusion that can exist between harm and “love.”

But He Said He Loved Me was written to help me process my trauma, but it was also written for every person who has ever questioned their worth because of abuse.

I want teens and survivors to know this:

You are not alone.
You did not deserve the abuse.
You did not cause it.
And healthy, safe love does exist.

If sharing my story helps even one person recognize abuse, seek help, or feel understood, then every difficult step of this journey was worth it.